Boys need role models, not gaming and porn

Sir Gareth Southgate says he fears young men are spending too much time gaming, gambling and watching pornography – and they need better role models beyond online influencers.

In a wide-ranging talk for the BBC’s annual Richard Dimbleby Lecture, the ex-England men’s football manager spoke about his own experience of missing a crucial penalty at Euro 96, saying he didn’t let it define him.

“That pain still haunts me today,” he said, “and I guess it always will.”

Referencing his own experiences, he said the UK needed to do more to encourage young people – especially young men – to make the right choices in life and to not fear failure.

Rather than turning to teachers, sports coaches or youth group leaders, Sir Gareth said he feared many young men were searching for direction online. There, he said they were finding a new kind of role model, one that too often did not have their best interests at heart.

“These are callous, manipulative and toxic influencers, whose sole drive is for their own gain,” he said.

“They willingly trick young men into believing that success is measured by money or dominance, that strength means never showing emotion, and that the world, including women, is against them.”

Sir Gareth spoke about missing the crucial penalty in the 1996 Euros semi-final, when England lost to Germany.

“Missing that penalty was undoubtedly a watershed moment that made me stronger, a better man,” Sir Gareth said at the lecture. “It forced me to dig deep, and revealed an inner belief and resilience I never knew existed.”

He contrasted his own miss with Eric Dier’s successful penalty kick against Colombia in 2018, when – with Sir Gareth as manager – England won a World Cup penalty shootout for the first time.

During the intervening 22 years, he said there had been a change in mindset among England players.

“In 1996, I had walked 30 yards to the penalty spot believing I would miss,” he said. “In 2018, Eric had walked 30 yards to the penalty spot believing he would score.”

During Sir Gareth’s career as a defender and midfielder, he played for Crystal Palace, Aston Villa and Middlesbrough and was in the England squad between 1995 and 2004. He took over as manager in 2016 and led the team to the 2018 World Cup semi-final, 2022 World Cup quarter-final and Euro finals in 2020 and 2024.

He stepped down as manager in July, two days after England lost to Spain in the Euros.

Sir Gareth has been credited with revitalising the England team and was knighted in the King’s New Year Honours in December.

He is the latest in a line of academics, business leaders and other notable figures to deliver the Richard Dimbleby Lecture, which has been held most years since 1972 in memory of the broadcaster.

Previous speakers have included King Charles III, when he was the Prince of Wales, tech entrepreneur and philanthropist Bill Gates, and Christine Lagarde, then the managing director of the International Monetary Fund (IMF).

Sir Gareth’s talk focused on the importance of belief and resilience for young men, and he cited three things needed to build these: identity, connection and culture.

He referred to a report, released earlier this month by the Centre for Social Justice, which said boys and young men were “in crisis”, with a “staggering” increase in those not in education, employment or training.

“Too many young men are isolated,” Sir Gareth said in his talk. “Too many feel uncomfortable opening up to friends or family. Many don’t have mentors – teachers, coaches, bosses – who understand how best to push them to grow. And so, when they struggle, young men inevitably try to handle whatever situation they find themselves in, alone.”

“Young men end up withdrawing, reluctant to talk or express their emotions,” he added. “They spend more time online searching for direction and are falling into unhealthy alternatives like gaming, gambling and pornography.”

He also said young men don’t get enough opportunities to fail and learn from their mistakes.

“In my opinion, if we make life too easy for young boys now, we will inevitably make life harder when they grow up to be young men,” he said. “Too many young men are at risk of fearing failure, precisely because they’ve had so few opportunities to experience and overcome it. They fail to try, rather than try and fail.”

The ex-footballer also reflected on what his career has taught him about belief and resilience.

“If I’ve learned anything from my life in football, it’s that success is much more than the final score,” he said. “True success is how you respond in the hardest moments.”

The Richard Dimbleby Lecture with Sir Gareth Southgate is broadcast at 10.40pm on BBC One and available on iPlayer now

The Beautiful Game: Building Belief and Resilience in a Younger Generation

Good evening.

Tonight, I want to talk about two very different penalty kicks, separated by more than two decades, but connected by two characteristics far more powerful than football.

These characteristics have picked me up when I’ve been down, grounded me in success, and given me purpose amidst the noise of public life.

They are qualities that everyone, young and old, needs every day of their lives.

They are belief and resilience.

Now, I’d like you to picture the old Wembley Stadium, it’s England versus Germany, semi-final of Euro 96 a tournament that has captivated the nation, up to this point, extra- time has finished and we’re locked at 1-1.

And my childhood hero Bryan Robson has asked me would I take penalty number 6 if it goes to sudden death. Now I’ve been captain of every team that I played for and this is my hero asking the question…

So, you just don’t say no at those moments.

But… I am thinking as I’m walking away… Mmm, let’s hope it doesn’t go to that…

1-0, 1-1

I’m not a regular penalty taker, with a process to fall back on…

2-1, 2-2

But never mind because Dave Seaman saved one last weekend so we’ll be ok…

3-2 and actually Dave this would be a really good moment to save one…

3-3

What happens if I miss? My brain has now entered the arena of what might go wrong and now I’m in trouble…

4-4, 5-5

In front of 90,000 people and millions watching at home.

Let me tell you that 30-yard walk from the centre circle to the penalty spot feels like you’ve walked from Land’s End to John o’ Groats, and that’s basically how my legs felt when I got there as well. It was as much as I could do to hit the target, forget placement or power… the keeper duly saves. And we’re out…

I feel I’ve let myself down, my teammates down, my country down.

That pain still haunts me today and I guess it always will.

Now, that single shot could have defined my life, let alone my football career. It didn’t. But how I chose to respond to it did.

And that’s what I want to talk about tonight.

How do you build resilience when the going gets tough?

How do you cultivate belief, in individuals, AND in a collective?

And how do you build a positive culture not just for a national football team, but for a nation?

Before I delve into this topic, I want to personally thank the Dimbleby family, and the BBC, for this enormous honour and wonderful opportunity to deliver the 2025 Richard Dimbleby Lecture.

Since 1972, the Lecture has been delivered by 45 speakers, including princes, scientists, influential business and religious leaders, as well as other prominent figures.

So adding the former England football manager to the illustrious list is certainly a bold selection… Now… there’s a slight question mark hanging over my head about bold selections… so I really hope this one works for you!

Richard Dimbleby was not just a broadcaster, but an extraordinary man of belief and resilience. The exact themes I want to explore. So, it really is an honour to be standing here today.

Every generation faces its own challenges, and today’s young generation is no different. Life is never easy, setbacks are almost always part of the journey.

I discovered this myself fairly early on. I’d always dreamed of being a professional footballer.

At 13 years old I’d been asked to train with Southampton at their Centre of Excellence in Crawley. And I loved it. But, much to my dismay, after two enjoyable years, I received a letter to say I was being released.

Now, I’m not saying I was bitter, but I’ve still got the letter. So let me read some of it to you, whether you want to hear it or not.

Dear, I should add “Dear” is typed, Gareth Southgate, which is handwritten, you get the feel of the personal nature of this. On behalf of Southampton Football Club, I’m writing to inform you that we will not be offering your son… a place on our centre of excellence. Let’s leave that there.

It was the first time in my football career that my belief and resilience was tested. Fortunately I’m driven and I don’t give up… and eventually I got a second chance when Crystal Palace offered me an apprenticeship at 16. I have to say I really struggled adapting to football being a job, rather than something I did with my mates at the weekend; struggled with the physical demands of playing against men for the first time.

In fact after two months my youth coach, Alan Smith, hauled me into his office and said: Look, you’re a lovely fella, good manners… If you were my son I’d be really proud, but actually you’re weak… and as a footballer you’ve got absolutely no chance. Now there was no written evidence this time, so I’ve made Alan sit in the front row of the audience and he can answer of himself at the end of the evening.

It actually took me five years to break into Palace’s first team, most of my mates got released in that time. Let me tell you, its unbelievably hard to make it as a professional footballer.

While I faced tough times during the early part of my career, I believe the world for young men and women they are growing up in today is increasingly difficult.

Not because they are born weaker, or without the resilience of past generations, but because the pressures they face today are unique.

And at the heart of this is the unrelenting impact of social media.

Today, young people are bombarded by information at all times of the day, from a device that fits neatly into the palm of their hand, and updates by the second.

They are targeted with images of the perfect body, the perfect career and the perfect life. A beautifully crafted highlights reel where success appears to be instant and effortless.

How can this make them feel good about themselves?

When I was growing up, the only people I had to compare myself to were the other kids on my street, in my school or my football team. I was a bit of an idiot, there were some idiots over there, I knew roughly where I stood in the pecking order really, realised nobody was perfect.

But now you can find yourself mocked, bullied or ridiculed if it appears that you don’t conform to whatever is deemed to be the latest trend of the day and believe me I should know.

As hardened as I am to opinions and criticisms, there’s no way I was going to trawl through social media last summer and read a load of abuse. It wouldn’t have helped me in any way to do my job and so I had to shut myself off from it as far as I could.

And it seems that young people themselves actually recognise this problem.

A recent poll of 16 to 24 year olds from the National Education Union found that the majority believe social media has become more toxic and addictive in the past five years, negatively impacting their mental health, sleep, attention span, and ability to work or study.

I’m actually sure this comes as no surprise to any parent who asks their child on a daily basis to put their phones away.

The solutions are complex because bad habits have been formed. But ignoring the negative impact of social media on our young people is not an option.

In recent months, my curiosity about the landscape for our young people has led me to visit community centres, schools and even a prison, and I’ve had a lot of fascinating meetings with academics, teachers, youth workers, and coaches.

And in all those interactions, there’s one topic that keeps being brought to my attention. And it’s parents who keep raising it.

Young men are suffering. They are feeling isolated. They’re grappling with their masculinity and with their broader place in society.

This issue was highlighted recently when the Centre for Social Justice published a report entitled Lost Boys, focused on the “crisis” – to use their word – facing boys and young men.

It found that across most metrics of importance within society – education, employment, health, and others – young men are falling behind.

And how sad is this, suicide remains the leading cause of death for men aged under 50 in the UK. That is heartbreaking.

Now, I would at this moment just like to say that I care deeply and equally about the plight of young women. By focusing my remarks on young men, I don’t, for a second, intend to underplay their challenges, not least around self-esteem and mental health, especially today. I’ve worked with some amazing women, I have a beautiful daughter and wife, I care deeply about them all.

But given my background, and having developed young men throughout my career, I feel more qualified to talk about the challenges they face.

And as one mother told me recently: “One of the most impactful things we can do for women is to focus on improving young men.”

So why is this happening? Why do so many young men feel lost, isolated, or without hope?

From an early age young boys need to fail often and learn fast. Falling off a bike, splitting up with friends, messing up exams and maybe even… missing a penalty. These are the moments that test belief and build resilience.

It’s a paradox that all parents face. And as a parent myself, I get it. Do we protect them from failure – out of love and support, or expose them to risks that may challenge their resolve?

In my opinion, if we make life too easy for young boys now… we will… inevitably… make life harder when they grow up to be young men

Ironically, parents know exactly what their children are doing in the physical world, but they are losing control in the virtual world …. where young people are exposed to far more danger

…and failure is something that is shared with the world.

The result is that too many young men are at risk of fearing failure, precisely because they’ve had so few opportunities to experience and overcome it.

They fail to try… rather than try and fail.

What seems to have changed is a sense of traditional family and community role models.

The Centre for Social Justice report highlights how 2.5 million children in the UK have no father figure at home.

This is, as they describe it, “an epidemic of fatherlessness,” noting that boys are more likely now to own a smartphone than to live with their dad.

Now all the experts I’ve listened to over the last 20 years speak about the importance of male role models in a boys life.

That actually doesn’t have to be just at home. There’s a point at which boys look naturally for mentors outside their immediate family, and is often where they find the role models who inspire them the most.

I’ve always believed “You don’t need to be a Dad to be a father figure.”

However boys are spending less time at youth centres, sports facilities and community events. They aren’t meeting the traditional role models I used to meet such as coaches, youth workers and teachers.

Which leads neatly to my third observation

As real-world communities and mentorship declines, young men end up withdrawing, reluctant to talk or express their emotions

They spend more time online searching for direction and are falling into unhealthy alternatives like gaming, gambling and pornography.

And this void is filled by a new kind of role model who do not have their best interest at heart.

These are callous, manipulative and toxic influencers, whose sole drive is for their own gain.

They willingly trick young men into believing that success is measured by money or dominance, never showing emotion, and that the world… including women… is against them.

They are as far away as you could possibly get from the role models our young men need in their lives.

So if young men are falling behind, if they don’t believe in themselves, and if they are becoming less resilient, what can WE do? What can WE change? How can WE reverse this decline?

Because qualities like belief and resilience aren’t something you’re simply born with.

They don’t appear overnight. They are built – step by step, experience by experience, through grit and determination.

From my professional experiences, I’ve learnt that belief and resilience sit on three key foundations: Identity, Connection, and Culture – and that these elements are as important to wider society as they were to the England football team.

Let’s start with identity…

One of the first questions every young man should ask themselves is: Who am I?

For some this question is shaped by their family history.

A big part of who I am is down to my Grandad’s military service and the values of duty and respect that he and my parents instilled in me.

Race, obviously plays a major role.

Many young men in Britain today have dual heritage. They are balancing British Nationality with family roots in Africa, the Caribbean, Asia or Europe.

It’s such an important part of our country.

Regional location, opportunity and class all contribute significantly as well.

The England squads I managed were made up of players from all these backgrounds. Everyone had their own story, their own values and their own identity.

But when I became England Manager, no one had the answer to the question “who are we?”

What was our shared identity, the DNA of the team, that everyone understood, and were proud to be a part of?

In response we deliberately set out to define it.

We shared personal stories… we talked about our country… the football legends who came before us… and our place in history.

By the end we knew who we were.

A proud, diverse, resilient team that stood up for each other… and was ready to write our own chapter in English football history.

It meant that when we anticipated racist abuse ahead of games, the players had the power… and support… to decide their response if it happened.

They chose not to be intimidated… but to stand up… play on… and win regardless.

Similarly… moral decisions… about whether to take the knee before games as a way of protesting against racism or discrimination, became unanimous and obvious ones to take.

Players had a positive impact on society and inspired youngsters up and down the country.

And that is the power of identity.

Young men in our society face the same questions of “who am I?” and “who are we?”.

And just like our players, owning your story… and understanding that you are part of a bigger narrative that existed before you… and will continue long after you’re gone.

That’s the first step to building belief and resilience.

But being secure in your own identity isn’t enough. You need to authentically connect with those around you. You need to feel the sum is greater than the part.

That is because human beings are social creatures; we form relationships because they are essential to our wellbeing and survival.

No matter how talented you are as an individual, success is impossible without the right people around you

When I arrived as England Manager, there was a disconnect between the team, the media, AND the fans.

It was clear to me that strengthening those connections between these three core audiences was critical if we wanted to improve the fortunes of the team.

It’s well documented that we decided to be more open and honest with the media, using social media in a positive way to offer an insight into the genuine camaraderie that existed.

This gave a more emotive, trusted connection between the players and the fans – and it also gave us some memorable images of inflatable unicorns.

But the most important and strongest connections were within the team.

I wanted to really get to know my players, and I spent a lot of time talking to each of them about their lives, their hopes, and their fears.

They were happy to talk to me and they were happy to talk to each other.

Players looked forward to meeting up. We had fun. We laughed together and at times even these strong powerful men, opened up to me about their feelings…and cried on my shoulder.

And that’s fine by the way… and I think it’s an important message for young men today.

It was these connections and relationships that created the belief and resilience that carried us beyond where we might have gone when times got really tough. We weren’t just playing for the badge, we were playing for each other.

Now, growing up in a digital age, it can be easy to think that young men are more connected than ever before.

But I actually believe the opposite is true.

Real connection – the kind that gives you belief and resilience – is becoming harder, not easier, to find. You can have millions of followers online, and not one person to turn to when you really need help. The result is that too many young men are isolated. Too many feel uncomfortable opening up to family or friends.

Many don’t have mentors – teachers, coaches, bosses – who understand how to push them to grow.

And so, when they struggle, young men inevitably try to handle whatever situation they find themselves in, alone.

When I think about my own career, I know I wouldn’t be here without the strong relationships I have built and the people who supported me.

My family, who provided a loving, supportive environment from the start of my life, that continues today through my wife and my children.

Or Alan Smith, my youth coach, at Crystal Palace, who wasn’t afraid to challenge me – not because he wanted me to fail, but because he wanted me to succeed.

And the exceptional staff I have been privileged to work with; people like Steve Holland, my assistant with England, who was skilled in the areas I wasn’t, and who stood firmly alongside me when the pressure was at its most intense.

It meant that whenever I’ve had setbacks in my career, I’ve never faced them alone.

And that’s made all the difference.

We need to make sure young men today aren’t facing their struggles alone either.

That we are there for them, ready to build genuine connections at home, in schools, workplaces and communities.

And it means reminding them that asking for help isn’t a weakness – it’s a strength.

If identity is about knowing who you are, and connection is about building relationships, then culture is about the environment you exist in.

To my mind, a culture can be defined fairly simply by “how we do things around here”.

It’s made up of hundreds of small behaviours and actions that shape the overall environment.

It started with me.

Because the leader sets the tone for how they want people to behave… and I believe respect is crucial.

Off the pitch, that meant players showing up on time, training hard, being open to learning, and reacting the right way if they weren’t selected to start.

On the pitch, I expected them to treat the opposition, and the referee, with respect.

And always give everything for the team

Culture drove some of my key decisions.

I chose Harry Kane and Jordan Henderson as captain and vice-captain not just because of their talent, but because of their professionalism on the training pitch, in the gym, and in how they lived their lives away from football.

They were role models I wanted others to emulate.

And over time, we created a culture where players were encouraged to take ownership… where young players were welcomed, not treated as outsiders… and where mistakes weren’t ridiculed, but were seen as part of a process.

And some of the strongest decisions I took were made to protect our culture, whenever it was challenged, intentionally or not, by a lack of discipline or poor behaviours.

And so it is in society.

We need leaders to set the right tone… To be the role models we want for our young men. We have to show young men that character is more important than status. That how you treat others is more important than how much money you make.

That values matter… courage, humility, and integrity over selfishness, greed, arrogance.

The culture we create today will shape the kind of men that we inherit tomorrow.

We all have the power to create that culture. Small actions at an individual level ladder up to something far bigger at a societal level.

That is how we can make changes in our schools, in our workplaces, in our communities. And, yes, in our nation as well.

With England, we gave ourselves the best chance to succeed.

And we must give our young men the best chance to succeed as well.

Having covered identity, connection and culture, it feels like a good moment to address the definition of success for young men in society today

Of course, in football, some people see success as a zero sum game. Only one team wins the league. Only one team can win the World Cup.

And I agree that in sport, winning a trophy is a hugely important marker.

Do I wish we had won the Euros? More than you will ever know.

But even in professional sport, is winning a trophy the only marker of success?

Are we, for example, dismissing the Olympic athlete who wins a silver medal after a lifetime of endeavour, but loses out because on the day someone ran a few hundredths of a second faster?

If I’ve learned anything from my life in football, it’s that success is about much more than the final score. It isn’t a straight line. And it’s not a single moment.

Take Harry Kane who was released by Arsenal, I wonder if he’s still got the letter, had several unconvincing loan spells, but has gone on to be England’s record goal scorer.

Everyone will remember Ollie Watkins scoring the winning goal in the semi-final of our Euros against Holland, but not so many will remember that he started his career playing non-league football.

An overnight success after 20 years.

And of course Bukayo Saka, I smile as soon as I see his name, who after his experience in Euro 2020, displayed quite remarkable resilience, courage, and belief in stepping up to successfully score his penalty against Switzerland last summer.

None of them had a perfect, uninterrupted journey to success. Because true success is how you respond in the hardest moments. It’s about having the belief and resilience to persevere.

And that’s the message we need to offer young men today.

Not everyone will win trophies. Not everyone will be at the top of their field.

But everyone can live a life where they can constantly strive to improve.

Where they can look back and say: I gave my best, I stayed true to myself, and I made a difference.

That is real success.

And the sooner we teach young men that, the sooner we help them find belief in themselves.

When I think back to that challenging, life-defining night at Wembley in Euro 96, I remember not just the miss, but what followed – and what gave me hope.

I was in a daze. Terry Venables comforted me while Tony Adams dragged me around the stadium to face and thank the fans.

But it was Stuart Pearce who truly understood what I was going through. He had missed a crucial penalty in the 1990 World Cup semi-final, ironically, though somewhat inevitably, also against Germany!

Back at the hotel, Stuart sat with me over dinner and explained what I’d face in the coming weeks.

He told me about the sleepless nights that would follow; what the front pages of every newspaper would be the next morning; and how, for years to come, people would hurl abuse in my direction, reminding me of my penalty miss.

He was right about all of that.

But he also had a wonderful way of putting it all into perspective. I remember him saying: “Gareth, tomorrow I’m going home to feed the horses. I’ll look at them and say, ‘We lost to Germany again on penalties.’ And they’ll answer: ‘Well what do we care? Give us some carrots!'”

He made me smile, and he was there for me when I needed him the most, and I was delighted to hear him in typically great spirits when I spoke to him a couple of days ago.

One of the most important things Stuart did for me in those dark days back in 1996, was to explain how this experience would make me stronger.

Now frankly, I didn’t believe him at the time. But slowly, Stuart’s words proved to be true.

He forced me to ask the hard questions: What do I stand for? How do I move forward? How do I make sure this is just one chapter and not the whole book?

I will let others judge whether it made me a better player. But missing that penalty was undoubtedly a watershed moment that made me a stronger, better man.

It forced me to dig deep, and revealed an inner belief and resilience that I never knew existed.

At the beginning of the lecture, I said I was going to talk about two penalties.

Up to now, I’ve only spoken about one.

Twenty-two years after missing that penalty, I found myself watching another penalty shoot-out – only this time I was the England manager, we were playing against Colombia, for a place in the quarter-final of the 2018 World Cup.

The game has been one of those typical England nights, absolute rollercoaster. We somehow managed to concede in the last minute of normal time, for context England haven’t won a knockout game for 10 years and have lost all five of its previous penalty shoot-outs – so, I can imagine most of the country were hiding behind the sofa, Meanwhile I was actually pretty confident… mainly because I wasn’t taking the penalty this time.

But by failing in 1996, it helped me to understand what was required now.

The decisive penalty fell to Eric Dier, not one of our superstars or a regular penalty taker. But a brilliant team man.

And this was his moment.

And as my eyes followed him on that long, lonely walk to the penalty spot, I hoped – maybe prayed a little – that he would help us to write a new chapter in English football history.

Because this time, it felt different. And this time, it was different.

If you look at the photos of my reaction, you can probably see the decades of pain. For me personally, that moment wasn’t just relief, but it was a small step of redemption.

More importantly something in the English football mindset had changed. By instilling a belief and resilience in our players, we had broken down one more barrier to winning.

In 1996, I had walked 30 yards to the penalty spot believing I would miss.

In 2018, Eric had walked those same 30 yards believing he would score.

And so, in conclusion, I’d like to say this to young people, and to young men in particular:

Each of you will face your own version of that penalty moment. For most, it won’t be on a football pitch in front of 90,000 people.

Maybe it’s the moment you didn’t do as well as you hoped to in an exam.

The moment you get rejected from a job.

Or the moment you just feel like someone has let you down.

BUT in that moment, you have a choice: do you let disappointment define you? Do you give up?

Or do you get back up, learn from it, and keep going?

That choice – the ability to build belief, to find resilience – is what makes the difference.

Not just in football.

Not just in sport.

But in life.

And I believe, as a society, we must do more to help young people, and especially young men, make the right choices in life.

We must create a world where they find comfort in their own identity and a sense of belonging to those around them; where they feel they live in a culture that doesn’t judge them only by how well they succeed, but by how much they grow… by the effort they put in… and the character they develop;

and where they know there is always someone there to provide the love and support they need, especially in difficult times.

That is how we will create a young generation, a society, and a nation of which we can all be very proud.

And I’m looking forward to playing whatever role I can to help make it happen.

Thank you.